Brown Buttons
Since the beginning of time, humans have expelled “the warm brown” from their backsides in hopes of reaching some level of satisfaction. With this action, however, comes the inevitable responsibility of cleansing the expulsion area. This process may only take a few seconds, but can also take a few minutes if the expeller is experiencing a messier load, often referred to as “mud butt” or “butt rot”. No matter the situation though, it is common that some of the mess get on the hand of the person administering the cleaning. Sometimes evidence of contact with the expulsion region is more visual than others, but sometimes it is not. This is where our dilemma arises. When it has become visually clear (via crap rag) that the area is clean, some people move right to pulling up their pants before washing their hands. From this writer’s perspective, this can be dangerous as the pants (especially if a button or zipper is involved) can be contaminated with do-do that potentially transferred from the anus to the hand. But is there a way to avoid the transfer?..
Some shuffle over to the sink with their pants still down, wash their hands, and then proceed to picking up their pants. Is this method necessary though? Or is it too dangerous? I mean, the risk of falling over into the toilet and drowning is certainly heightened when clumped pant legs are surrounding the ankles. Also, who wants to view their awkwardly shaped “special area” in the mirror while scrubbing excrement off of their fingers? This author only partially does. Perhaps there is no perfect solution to this issue, and part of our life journey is to discover what works best for each of us as individuals. What is troubling though is that you will never be sure how poop-free other people’s pants are. Next time you borrow a pair of pants, be sure to sniff the potential transfer regions to protect yourself from what this author calls “brown button contamination.” You could very well save your life.
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Fuller McCallister
Enlighting! I was unaware that the buttons on my pants are covered in shit. However, I prefer the "wipe, pull, and wash" technique. Change is not an option.
ReplyDeleteI eat crap covered buttons for breakfast! With skimmed milk.
ReplyDeleteAren't you more worried about the poo getting stuck in your butt hair?
ReplyDelete@Dinklover Why are you "pulling" before washing? You should save that for later.
I've been dumping for about 24 years now and I find the Wang keeps getting in the way. My mother says if I stopped pushing it back so far it would stop. But when I do I frequently get boners and then it touches the bowl. I've tried everything. All I want is a proper poo. I guess I'm just destined for failure...
ReplyDeleteSlyPooper, could you post a picture of your problem? I do better with visuals.
ReplyDeleteStickdink....let me break this down for you plain and simple. The "wipe, pull, and wash" technique involves:
ReplyDelete1. Wipe: wiping my ass of all the shit fragments
2. Pull: pulling up my pants satisfied that I have had a susscessful wipe.
3. Wash: washing my hands of the crap that remains on my skin.
Get it??? Seems common and universal
Currently when I defecate. I like to remove my pants and under garments all together. This is a simple and easy solution to avoiding getting feces on your pants.
ReplyDeleteI have put a lot of thought into this blog, and I have come to the conclusion that the cleaning and wiping process all depends on one issue. That issue is “what kind of dump is it?” we have all experienced the different kinds of dumps, but I thought it appropriate to provide a list of the different kinds of dumps we can have. If we take a look at number (2) I believe that the universal method, wipe, pull wash, would be sufficient for this type. However if we look at number (25) I do not believe the universal method would work, I think we would have to pull a “Andrew Smee” and hop in the shower to remove all feces. So I do not believe that there is one method, but many, and it all depends on what kind of dump you have that day, or time.
ReplyDelete1) Ghost Poop: You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.
ReplyDelete2) Teflon Coated Poop: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!
3) Gooey Poop: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
4) Second Thought Poop: You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.
5) Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop: This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
6) Bali Belly Poop: You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.
7) Right Now Poop: You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
8) King Kong or Commode Choker Poop: This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.
9) Wet Cheeks Poop: This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.
10) Wish Poop: You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!
11) Snake Poop: This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
12) Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers):You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.
13) The Frightened Turtle: The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
14) The Bungee Poop: The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
15) The Ring of Fire Poop: The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
17) The Crippler: The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
18) The Big Bobber: The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
19) The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
20) The Incredible Hulk Poop: The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
21) Jack the Ripper Poop: The kind of poop that yanks out your butt hair as it pushes its way out.
22) The Party Pooper: The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
23) The Toxic Gas Poop: The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
24) Dirty Bowl Poop: The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
25) Oh Poop! Poop: You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!
26) The Never Ending Poop: It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.
27)The Anus Ripper: It feels like you're dumping glass as it shreds your anus on the way out.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see everyone participating in the discussion. These are the issues that shape our lives.
ReplyDeleteCommander Steam's a tool
ReplyDeleteHey everyone. As my uncle Frank says: "Go easy." There will be a new post up soon.
ReplyDelete